Deep Within!

Dec 25th, 2015 – 12.00 am

Lights fade off in my tiny room. It blacks out and is filled with a thick cloud of smoke emerging out of my cigarette. As I enjoy the sight of white cloud of cigarette smoke in the dark and black room, I sink in to the arms of the darkness and black night that I have lived my entire life in. I know that my life is now just equivalent of the cigarette bud that I have in my hand. With the crushing of that last fag, my life will enter the darkest enclosures that mankind has ever come across – DEATH!

With my feet already in the doors of Hell, I decided to relive the moments of my fucked up life. And as destiny would have it, I was accompanied by a cigarette, darkness and the classic – “Comfortably Numb” to take me all the way through.

Flash back to September, 1982

Taking birth in a middle-class Hindu family was never a matter of choice. At the time of my birth, even my folks wouldn’t have had the slightest of idea, that they have committed the biggest sin of their lives by having me. I was a boy and that of course was a matter of joy for the entire clan. They named me after a deity, thinking that I would go on to become one (at least for them!), but little did they know, that life had other plans for me and some major disappointments in store for them.

1985

I joined a school in Delhi as a young, naughty and a bright kid. Playing and sports was never my forte. As a kid, I was drawn in to the world of books, literature and information. I was always intrigued by puzzles and was always on some sort of a treasure hunt. May be I was just preparing myself for a life-changing discovery. Even as a kid, I remember keeping a pencil or a pen in my mouth and pose for a photo, as if I am smoking.

1989 - 1997

I moved away from Delhi and joined a school again at my new place to continue my education. But, was education ever a need??? May be not! It was definitely a compulsion though! In my new school, I befriended a lot of guys – Punjabis, Kabulis, Baniyas and many north Indians. My first (real) education in life began here with me getting exposed to expletives and all the filth around… I saw many guys mouthing expletives and suggestive jokes and winning over cool girls, getting all the attention and turning out to be the coolest guys around. With so much happening around, who would want to be left out of all the limelight??? I also decided to join the bandwagon. So here I was, mouthing expletives, playing suggestive pranks and talking only in sex-laced manner.

1998 – 2005

Come 1998, I joined college… With a bike to commute on and enough money to flaunt, I took my antics to another level. Fun was the buzzword in life… “Fuck Society” and “Live Life King Size” were my mantras. Masturbation, sex-chat and getting laid became the only deeds of life.

Parents became villains… Family and society seemed like authorities! The social fabric was trying to chain my thoughts and bind me; however, I was willing to fly in the air of self-exploration and liberation. Fuck you guys, I said, and moved out of my home and rented a small flat in Greater Kailash, Delhi.

It was only during this time I decided to chuck the education and dropped out of college. I had a bigger and a better teacher called “Life”. I wanted to learn everything that life was teaching me, see everything that life was showing me…

I found a job for myself in a call center as a voice agent. With job, came money, came independence and came self-assurance. Things that I needed to give my life a push were just coming my way thick and fast. Resultantly, I got into drinking, smoking and also doping.

Getting in to a high/trance was the best thing that could have happened to me… I enjoyed the disconnect I felt (vis-à-vis the world) after every drag of marijuana. Oh! Life had never been so colorful and so happy!!!

2005 – 2013

I moved to Bangalore, the silicon-valley and the Pub-City of India. This is what I needed to live life in all its glory… I got a job with another call center as a Team Lead. With a great salary and a powerful designation, I could cut-loose. I boozed, doped, worked, fucked around, traveled and did all sorts of things to experience this new-found independence of mine.

This was the phase; I was losing out on my peace of mind (slowly but surely), my sleep, and my health. Though, I was gaining on habits like smoking, doping, boozing, illicit sex, et al.

I also was losing out on my support systems, my family, friends, and girl friend; however, I was gaining more visibility in the illicit or the greyer sects of the society.

January 2014

I was feeling unwell and took off from work for a month. After much deliberation, I decided to consult a doc.

Diagnosis report was a nail in the coffin! I had just another year of my life… Thanks to the choices, I made in my life, I was just going to be alive only for one more year. The death bell was sounded!

Cut forward to Dec 25, 2015 again…

On my death bed, I still do not have any medicines by my side. All I have is a pack of Marlboro Lights, a bottle of Single Malt Whiskey and some grass of course…

As I drop the last bit of ash off my cigarette, I wonder – “Did I Really Live Life King Size???”

Off goes the last bit of ash and off I go in my room…

All that remains now is the smell of my rotten body, smell of the cigarette ash, smell of the liquor, loneliness and of course the ever-present black night